It’s about the validation

Recently, I witnessed a perfect example of one of  the key differences between males and females.  My 8 year old daughter, Bella and my partner, David were playing their usual game of throwing cushions at each other.  As the game goes on it gets wilder and somewhat out of control.  Bella suggested that she make a certain move and David responded that doing that would result in him making another specific move.  The end result?  Bella made her move and then David made his – exit Bella in tears!

After some time in her room getting over the horror of it all, Bella came out and had a brief conversation with David where he reminded Bella that he only did what he said he would.  Bella remained angry.  It was time to intervene.

I asked Bella why she was still angry.  She said she didn’t know.  Further prompting revealed that what Bella really wanted was for David to acknowledge that she felt angry and thus validate her feelings.  I suggested she have that conversation with David and she did. David said he did understand that Bella was angry and voila, Bella’s anger disappears and they are best friends again!

What does this all mean?  When, as females, we are upset with the opposite gender all we really want is our feelings validated!  It’s that easy.  Really.

What do you think?



4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Heather
    May 01, 2011 @ 06:27:07

    You are so blessed to have David in your life. For a man to simply get that point – we just need to be heard. Myself and a lovely friend of mine have been going through similar drama lately with our husbands (we think the Easter full moon had something to do with it!). Anyway, we both find that when we’re upset our husbands walk away from us – they cannot handle the emotion. They tell us “tears” won’t work on them, as if we’re trying to be manipulative. Like Bella, all we want is our feelings to be acknowledged, a hug to say they love us – and voila – we feel validated and can function. David, you should run some kind of “mens bootcamp” on how to understand women!


  2. Rachel
    May 01, 2011 @ 07:40:48

    Lovely post Judy. I wonder why it is that women need validation whereas men often find that confusing?


    • judythesweetspot
      May 01, 2011 @ 07:58:51

      That’s the question! I don’t have the answer but maybe it has something to do with the male focus on linear problem solving, while women tend to focus on emotional exploration of an issue. I think we need to be emotionally validated to feel we are heard. Men seem to need to be told they are physicaly capable, a good provider and do things well to feel validated. No doubt, it all goes back to biology!?


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